Mood:
brightTwo weeks ago, I got something changed. What was it? Yes, I thought I got a depression. Actually, maybe this disaster has been hidden in my soul long time ago but it revealed itself while the real economic depression occurred. Do they have some inside relations really? Absolutely not, just kidding.
Those days, which vanished one week ago, I always heard a voice from my head and heart yelling or whispering to me, “ you will die, you will die…” Finally I always repeated to myself, “I will die, I will die…” So I thought if that was the depression? Definitely not. No one defines that the depression should just be linked tightly with the death but sometimes if a person who got the depression, she might to die in some special ways like suicide due to the depression. Actually I do not like to talk about so much hackneyed words including “death” all the time at all but I can just usher you to understand what the real sentiment that you were attached with a terrible thing and how to relinquish it.
My story was about a girl or maybe you can call her a lady cause she said that she is a lady… People who knew me would say, “well, you took it again”. Your habit was that, girls, ladies…You can not shirk that cause if you were free of female stories, that were not you.
Yes, stupid was I…but it is was not is…so I can tell you how to cope with your miserable love story…
I thought that you have been confused by what I composed before. Ok, I will give you a clear way to understand my story which actually is a normal one but not for me.
Two months ago, I moved to Washington DC for my new job, a journalist working for a giant TV station whose headquarter is located in Beijing. I am a special one who possesses a foreign citizenship there only. Actually, I thought before, I was here just for my career and I needed to work and work, no more complaints and no more extra funnies. But the job was really boring, not because the essential working but the lack of the missions. They could not offer more and more news coverings there. But some one who was from Beijing just enjoyed the relax environment. And I, a busy guy always, could not bear that but I have to bear. So what’s the next? Sure, the story was initialed.
A girl, or maybe you can call her lady cause she used to be called a lady but a girl, was nice to talk to every one. But I am a sentimental guy who used to grab something. In the beginning days, I did not take more shots to her cause I thought she was a flat girl who wore unfashionable suits made in China always.
What made me most impression was her nictations for me several times with intention or maybe not. I was aimed by the nictations, which might tell me that she is lovely. Of course, before that we had some connections, like working together or eating together. But something was changed after several meets. What my feeling was I had lots of topics with her and what she did was more and more eyes communications with me. Obviously, those were maybe just a guessing or an imagination but I regarded those truths. After that while it was two months later after my first arrival of Washington D.C, I thought that both of us were eager to see and to talk to each other, even just with some easy eyesight or simple chatting.
But one night, I made a dream about her and me. The scene was that she was removing her make up inside of the make up unit and she asked me to go inside cause she needed my help. The help was really dreamful and it was that she said that she would remove the black eyes lines drawn before the live on air. She said that she would weep when she removed the lines so she wanted me to hold the tears with my hands holding like a bowl. And in the dream, I really did it and I held those tears really. And of course the dream also made me moved so what I got out of my dream was torn myself. I knew I was missing her even in dreams.
Several minutes later, I forwarded her a message to tell her my dream via the cell phone. But few minutes later, half an hour later and almost two hours later, I didn’t get any responds for my sending message, which could get some replies before. I wondered what happened? It’s only a dream and I didn’t think the dream telling would irritate her. So in the wake of that, I phoned her once and twice and three times in the two days of the weekend but no one picked up the phone at all. I just wonder why? I thought that even you were really busy, you might pick up the phone for only ten seconds probably for telling me you were ok. So I didn’t phone her again after the three times and I thought that my jealous feeling rushed out. I thought I hated her…
In the morning of Monday, I went to work and sit in front of my desk waiting for her. I knew she would be here later today for some personal matters. But I just thought when she appeared, I would tell her my feeling was bad. Near the noon, she jumped into the office through the entrance where could be seen in my seat and she came towards me with a sweet smile and with a hand waving. But what I replied her was just a reluctant smile only and in the next 2 hours, I did not talk to her as usual. But just what I did so made me lose her…I thought. Cause obviously, she did find my cold attitudes for her and then she started to fight against me. And those cold actions she did to me made me really really unbreath which I had ever been offered more than 10 years ago and it occurred also in a love story.
In the lunch, what surprised me happened. Not because she didn’t talk to me or look at me but because she told me the reason why she did not pick up my phone call indirectly. We just sit very closely for the lunch and I could hear her voice clearly. Although she talked to our boss in a light voice, I also could get what she said was she went to another city during the weekend with no time to tell others for an emergency invitation. When I heard what she said almost to the end, I felt so happy that she just intended to hint me that she didn't answer the phones just due to the trip out of the city. I felt such a surprised and also did I regret what I did for her that morning. I turned to light mode immediately but she did not. And it seemed that she couldn't forgive me or pardon me for a while. Then she stood up and said, “I got to go before your guys” with a cold glance at me. I felt just regret without any responds only with my widely opening mouth. But my regret could not stop her. She was gone and my nightmare started.
No more talking, no more smiling and no more, no more were around me, stuck me and belonged to me. And those talking, smiling and more and more went to another group of people, like a senior lady, a support worker or a son’s father but me. What I got when I talked to her in a very positive attitude with so beautiful and sweet a smile was a simple, cold and against ironic which made me no more mood and courage to say one more word, just like being choked by the air. In those two or three days, I scared all the time and I felt like dropping into an iced well full of water and the nippy cold water embracing me from my head to the toe. And then I had to talk to her in a very patient and carefully way maybe I could get something special. I felt that it seemed that yesterday I was a king but now I was not better than a waiter in front of her. Her orgulous attitude made me no more confident and made me lose my feeling at all. So I would always hear that one voice telling me “ you will die…” And finally I said to myself “ I will die…”
Actually, for now I only hate the dream and hate my Scorpio. Can I go back to erase my dream? Can I go back to revise the actions what I did in that Monday morning? Yes it was a black morning for the Dow due to the economic crisis but it should not be the black one for me. My god could you please offer me an inverse hour and let it go backward to the front of my dream? Even though you had to give me the dream but can I not interpret in that motion? Can I stop my finger to type the message? I do not need a girl but I do need a real friend who could be communicating probably just with eyes or gestures. Right, who believes it?
Can you hear that? My girl, what is going on in my MP3, you favorite song “One night in Beijing”. I can’t lose you just like a catfish can’t lose water…
